They’re the handshakes that just don’t cut it in professional settings, and they’re only a few of the faux pas that business etiquette expert Jan Goss warns against.

“I shake hands for a living, and most people don’t know how to shake hands,” said Goss, founder of the Austin School of Protocol.

She calls a proper, solid clasp the No. 1 way to outclass your professional competition, but plenty of other interactions in business meetings and networking events provide opportunities to impress — or to blunder. When it comes to networking effectively, exchanging business cards and making introductions, for many job seekers, “it’s what they don’t know that’s killing them,” Goss said.

That said, business etiquette isn’t about stiffly prim behavior for the sake of emulating Emily Post. Rather, she said, the creed behind this code is, “it’s about how other people feel in your presence.”

Put another way, it’s not about you. If the thought of attending a networking event makes you nervous, that might come as a relief. After all, asking a new acquaintance how you might lend them a hand is easier than asking for help right off the bat — plus, it’s the gracious thing to do, said Vikki Loving, CEO of Wayfinder Career Engine.

“The first question is not ‘How can I get a job?’ but ‘How can I help you?’” Loving said. “Everybody’s in the room because they want something. Don’t ask for something before you’re ready to give.”

As Barry Lovelace, past president of local networking group the Metropolitan Breakfast Club, points out, “the whole concept for networking is mutual advantage.”

Loving suggests going to professional gatherings equipped with blank notecards to use while mingling. Those you meet can write down their skills or the type of connection they’re pursuing, and you can offer to pass the card along if the right opportunity arises.

“It’s saying, ‘I hear you,’” she said. “You’re giving. What bothers me is the people I don’t know from Adam who expect to meet for coffee.”

This approach has the added benefit of being a way to avoid appearing desperate while also making you more memorable.

Feeling confident in your own skin goes a long way toward putting others at ease, Loving said. So although networking events seem designed for extroverts to shine, those who are naturally more reserved shouldn’t feel pressured to work the room. If you’re more comfortable focusing on a handful of people, then that’s how you’ll make valuable connections, said Lovelace, who is a general partner with personality assessment company Compass Settings.

“People are open and friendly in different ways,” he said. “Not everyone is naturally gregarious, but that doesn’t mean you can’t network.”

Knowing the conduct that’s expected can relieve some of the nerves. No matter your personality type, smiling and confidently making eye contact are musts.

“We connect by looking at each other,” Lovelace said. “Avoiding eye contact is saying, ‘I am not connecting with you.’”

Another rule of thumb is to approach only groups of three or more; it’s more likely that you’ll be interrupting two people in conversation. Otherwise, don’t wait around for someone else to introduce you — you might be putting someone who is waiting at ease. Goss said learning that introducing herself is her own responsibility was her first eye-opening lesson when she attended The Protocol School of Washington, where presidential staff and diplomats brush up on their soft skills.

Once you’ve struck up a conversation, take care to gauge its duration, Lovelace advises. Talk for too long and you might be denying the other person valuable networking time with others; too short and you might come off as flighty, someone who only wants to drop 20 business cards. Generally, you want to establish a relationship before offering your card.

Of course, etiquette guidelines have the exchange of contact information well covered.

“When you hand out a business card, make sure it’s facing out,” Goss said. “Never ask a CEO or higher-up for a business card. When a senior person hands you their card, you accept it graciously and never offer yours to someone senior unless they ask.”

For those who have embraced networking as a way to find work, the bottom line is that talent and experience will get you hired, but it’s good people skills that will get you in the door.

“You could be a diamond in the rough, but no one’s going to pay for that diamond until it’s cleaned and polished,” Goss said.

Safety From Poison – Hundreds of years ago, when it was quite common to poison your enemy, a toast was seen as a gesture of good faith. Some speculate that the clink was a subtle way for wine to be passed between glasses to prove it was safe. This may still prove beneficial when the relatives arrive …

Chasing Away of Evil Spirits – Evil spirits were blamed many times for drunkenness (good try). The clink of the glass was believed to drive the evil spirit away.

A Legendary Explanation of the Clink – To engage all five senses for the greatest pleasure, touch the glass, see the color of the wine, smell the fragrance, taste the flavor and clink glasses to ‘hear’ the toast.

The truth is, it is impossible to pinpoint the moment when the first vessel was raised in honor of another. Through the generations, the simple act of toasting became entwined with other customs. At some point, the gesture of clinking glasses became popular. It is believed that this began during the Christian era, holding the intention that the clink would produce a noise to banish the devil. It would not be until the 17th century that the act was actually referred to as a toast. The first recorded instance was in England in A.D. 450 by the British King Vortigern. A crouton was placed in the drink, the reason remaining somewhat obscure. It is believed it was to improve the flavor of the drink and soak up any impurities. This was a common practice and referred to as “toast”.

The common denominator of the toast throughout history is found in its intent. The objective of a toast has been, and continues to be, to bring honor to someone or something. So does it matter if I clink or not when I toast? You bet it does!
In professional business etiquette or formal settings, the use of a clink is considered in poor taste. For example, one would never clink after a toast at a business function, or following a raised glass to the Queen. The clinks of a toast are left to the festivities of weddings, casual dinners or socializing at the pubs. The critical aspect is: follow your host. When in Rome, do as the Romans do. If the host clinks, follow; if she does not, follow her lead.

Rules of Toasting:
The first toast should be given by the host.
Make sure everyone has a drink that is at least half full.
Bring the recipient of the toast near you.
Never get attention using flatware or glassware. Stand and ask for everyone’s attention.
When proposing a toast, be prepared, keep it short and be seated.
Make eye contact with the person you are toasting and with the group.
Hold your glass by the stem and raise to shoulder height.
Speak words that are gracious. Do not mix your toast with another agenda. Keep it in good taste.
Invite all guests to join you.
Never drink to yourself – this is like patting yourself on the back and considered rude.

Toasting is a powerful tool. It can calm troubled waters and it can ‘seal the deal.’ A toast has the ability to raise someone’s spirits and make them feel important. The beverage in the vessel or the clink of the glass is not as important as the bestowing of honor where it is due. The decision to clink or not to clink is your call. Now you can make an informed decision.

The power of acknowledgment that is contained in a raised glass cannot be orated with more eloquence than with the words crafted by Maya Angelou: “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” So, raise a glass, sisters, someone needs to feel empowered by your words of kindness today.

MORE INFO
Jan Goss, Founder, Civility Consulting
Developing Confident Courteous Professionals
Professional Etiquette Consultant Specializing in Professional Development
jan@civilityconsulting.com   p:512.382.6013  c:512.577.8479

Be Others Oriented. The first rule of etiquette is this: It is not about you; it is about the way the other person feels in your presence. Stay aware of the person on the other side of the relationship. What is going on in their world? Be kind. Keep compliments alive even in your long-term relationships at home and on the job. Remember the good things that built the relationship and keep doing them. Don’t slack off and take that person for granted. Acknowledge their contribution. Be attentive.

Don’t Compare. Each individual is different. No two people will ever be exactly the same. Relational dynamics are not equal. Comparison is a relationship killer. It can be very discourteous. The victim of comparison either ends up on the bottom end of the equation or perched high on a precarious pedestal. Be grateful for what this person brings to the relationship and be gracious in areas where they fall short. Appreciate people for who they are. Resist the temptation to compare!

Dress Appropriately. You would not think of wearing your bathing suit to the opera, or a formal gown to a backyard barbecue. Wear appropriate clothing for the occasion, whether on a date or in the office. How you dress does affect your relationships. If you dress in a sloppy manner, people will treat you accordingly. Women who show too much skin in the office should not be offended when people react to their dress. From the boardroom to social events, find out the rules concerning attire and follow them. This keeps you and others from embarrassing moments.

Keep Electronic Communication Respectful. Please treat online contacts (through social media and electronic devices) and relationships over the phone with the same respect you would show in person. The individual on the other end of an email, text or phone call is no less of a person than someone you encounter face- to-face.
Never send anything you type when you are angry or upset. Do not say anything electronically that you would not be willing to see on the front page of the paper. (Because it may end up there!)
This rule of respect applies in social settings as well. When communicating electronically, please excuse yourself and keep it private. The whole room does not want to hear your phone call, nor does your company deserve to be ignored while you answer a text. If you have an emergency, excuse yourself; if it is not an emergency, wait! Poor electronic communication skills can create havoc in relationships!

Have Fun! Do not be afraid to lighten-up and laugh at yourself. This puts people at ease and shows them you have a sense of humor. Laughter is good medicine. It lightens the atmosphere. Be sure you use appropriate comedy – never anything hurtful, condescending or off-color. People love to be around others who are joyful. Having fun is fundamental to a good relationship.

We can all agree that we have a relationship or two that could use a little polishing this year. If you don’t have one now, you will. It is part of our human experience. Clearly communicating and following these top five etiquette rules will unquestionably produce the relational success you desire. And, who knows? Cupid may have a surprise to shoot your way.

MORE INFO
Jan Goss, Civility
Consulting Professional Etiquette Consultant

jan@austinschoolofprotocol.com  
p: 512.382.6013  c: 512.577.8479
2716 Barton Creek Blvd. Ste. 2714 
Austin, TX  78735 
austinschoolofprotocol.com