How to Rekindle Intimacy in the Bedroom

Author Jan Goss-Gibson shares advice from her latest book, Bedroom Etiquette: How to Show Up Well Behind Closed Doors.

By Chantal Rice, Headshot by Korey Howell, Book cover photo by Richard Gibson 

For decades, consultant Jan Goss-Gibson has shared her business-etiquette expertise with corporate leaders, teaching them how to show up well in the boardroom so they can live life to the fullest in their professional lives. Now the expert motivator and strategist is taking on a new mission—in the bedroom.

“As I was teaching how to show up well in the boardroom, I realized what does it profit if your home life is in shambles? What if we took these same principles and applied them at home?” Goss-Gibson says. “It’s like a transferring of business skills from the boardroom to the bedroom.”

Goss-Gibson’s new book, Bedroom Etiquette: How to Show Up Well Behind Closed Doors, released in late 2018, is a practical guide for women who want a healthier sex life, more self-awareness and more respect. And it’s ringing true with women worldwide, already becoming a best-seller in two categories on amazon.com. At its core, Bedroom Etiquette aims to help women bring sacredness back into the bedroom using the principles of professional business etiquette: connection, innovation, nurturing and respect. And the author, who went through two divorces and is now blissfully wed, doesn’t shy away from the difficult discussions required to meet that goal. In fact, she addresses them head-on.

“I like sex. There, I said it,” Goss-Gibson writes unapologetically, noting this assertion is one more women should wholeheartedly embrace.

“It’s freedom. It’s how we were wired, how we were made,” she says. “[Women] have not been allowed to be sexual beings. We’ve been afraid to be sexual.”

By providing her readers with some thoughtful insight on the matter, Goss-Gibson hopes women realize they have permission to champion their sexuality, begin to love their bodies and erase the fear often associated with sexual intimacy.

“I want to start these conversations, whether about body image, our own sexuality or our fears,” she says. “In the bedroom is where so many fears come out. But what if we had a tool to help us at least start discussing these things? This book is a tool to do that.”

Goss-Gibson’s recommendations range from the simple (creating the bedroom as a sacred space that appeals to all the senses, opening lines of communication between partners) to the more provocative (being willing to initiate sex, relishing in being naked and unashamed, being open to trying something new).

Goss-Gibson’s No. 1 tip for women: Address your fears about intimacy.

“It doesn’t take much effort to really spice things up in your personal intimate relationship. Start by making a tiny shift,” she says. “If Bedroom Etiquette can just start the conversation, it can help remove the fear.”

While Goss-Gibson has already received countless emails from women who have been inspired by her book, she hopes to build on this achievement and plans to create a seven module, expert-driven program based on the principles outlined in Bedroom Etiquette.

“It’s futile to build your professional life and not your personal life,” she says. “At the end of the day, if you show up well, whether it’s at work or at home with the one you love, you sleep in peace.”

Bedroom Etiquette is available in paperback and for Kindle on Goss-Gibson’s website and on Amazon.

JAN GOSS-GIBSON’S BEDROOM ETIQUETTE ABCS

A: Appearance “Your appearance is how you show up. It is the first thing others notice about you. Appearance is exterior. It is the physical way you present yourself to the world. How are you presenting yourself to your spouse? Some things are difficult to change and take time, but there are things you can do to instantly make your appearance more attractive.”

They include:

  • adjusting your posture
  • smiling
  • staying well-groomed and clean.

B: Behavior “Knowing where to start with behavior begins with a first impression. You never get a second chance and you only get five seconds. Obviously, your initial first impression has been made with your spouse, but what about on a daily basis? What is the first thing you say to them in the morning? What about when they come in the door? Take a moment to greet your love and tell them good morning before you give out your to-do list. Ask about their day before you delve into your own needs when they walk in the door. When you honor each other, everyone’s needs get met.”

C: Confidence “Confidence is attractive. Confidence has great drawing power. Did you know that when you are confident, it makes the other person who is in your presence feel better? … However, if you are living your life feeling badly about yourself, then you are pushing others away from you, including your spouse. … You can build your confidence back up, even after it has been crushed. … You are worth it! Confidence is sexy.”